


Fallout

by bluegal19



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-09
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-02-28 18:06:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2741996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluegal19/pseuds/bluegal19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan and Shepard were together in the past, but things have changed since he came back on the Normandy. A short story from the perspectives of Kaidan, Shepard, and Garrus, giving insight as to what exactly they think about each other. Mainly Head cannon. Current FShep/Garrus, and previous FShep/Kaidan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kaidan

After his disastrous date on the Citadel, all Kaidan wanted was a drink. A rather large drink. Or maybe several beers. At this point he really didn’t care; all he wanted was to forget everything that had happened that day. But as he made his way down to the lounge, he found himself thinking back on the day’s events. 

“I was so sure”, he thought to himself, “I was so sure that she wanted us back.”

As he made his way back to the bar, Kaidan couldn’t help but reflect on the actions that had led him to this point. He had sent Shepard a letter on the extranet a few days before they docked at the Citadel asking if they could get together for lunch at Apollo’s, a little café that overlooked one of the most beautiful areas of the presidium. Or rather, what had been one of the most beautiful areas until the Cerberus coup left it looking worse for wear. She responded later that day saying that she would have some free time around midday and would meet up with him for lunch. When they had gotten together, things had been fine to start out with. They had just been talking, reminiscing about growing up, and about their chances in the war. Then he had brought up their relationship. He had forgiven her for cheating, he really had. He wasn’t there for her on a major mission of hers, and she had needed to turn to somebody, even if it was that Turian, in order to cope. But he was back now, and he wanted them back, like the way things used to be on the old Normandy. But she had turned him down, flat out rejected him, and told him that things between them were better off as “friends”. She seemed so shocked by his confession too. He saw the confusion in her eyes as she leaned away from him, and the slow, resigned exhale that followed it. She had said that “times were complicated”, whatever that meant. After that, (while attempting to save face), Kaidan simply said he understood, and tried to cover up the hurt by asking when the food would be coming. 

“God, what an awful day”, he sighed to himself, reaching for his second beer. He didn’t understand how she could have gotten the signals crossed. 

“If asking someone out to lunch doesn’t sound like a date I don’t know what does” Kaidan thought angrily to himself. “How could she not have seen it the same way?”

The sad thing was that she would have, a long time ago. “In another life”, Kaidan thought ironically to himself.

Things had been so different on the SR1. Back before the war, and before Cerberus, and before her death. When he had first met her, he was in a slight state of shock. Most everyone in the Alliance had heard of Shepard, and knew some part of her story. He had heard that she was Earth born, but grew up in one of the slums. But she somehow overcame that poverty, and joined the Alliance at eighteen. From there she rose up in the ranks, and was eventually sent with her team to Akuze, where only she made it out alive. She was a survivor, with a passionate, determined spirit, but at the same time was kind and receptive to everyone that crossed her path. She really was the epitome of the perfect woman, and he was more than a little in awe of her. 

Shepard didn’t know this, but he had been drawn to her from the moment he saw her. The first time they had ever crossed paths was about a year before they started serving together on the Normandy. Both their respective ships had been on shore leave at the Citadel, and the both crews had been at Chora’s Den one night. Kaidan and some of his crewmates had been sitting in a booth in the corner, drinking away, when over in the corner of the bar a scuffle had started. One of the Asari dancers had been cornered by a human man, and he seemed to be trying to force himself on her. He was a huge guy, ugly as all hell, with a huge scar running down his face and he was obviously drunk off his ass. Kaidan began to stand to aid the dancer when a woman appeared and beat him to it. Kaidan was still halfway across the room when he saw the woman stroll up to the man, get right up in his face and spout something at him that was, although inaudible from this distance, clearly a threat. All of a sudden the man made a lunge at her, but the woman ducked and threw a right hook across his face, leaving him stunned and his nose broken. She then proceeded to take out his knees, forced him to the ground, and called security so they could toss him out. She stood by calmly as the man was dragged out screaming profanities at her, all the while making sure the Asari dancer was okay. Kaidan was instantly struck by her. She was obviously worried about the Asari’s welfare, more so than her own and she kept brushing off any mention as to her own well being by her companions. She had such a demeanor, one that radiated confidence and compassion. It was breathtaking. Not to mention she was incredibly easy on the eyes. Kaidan’s companions started talking about the scene they’d just witnessed, and it came out in the conversation that the woman was Commander Shepard. After that brief encounter, Kaidan had always had a thing for the Commander, and when he found out that he would be serving under her, it was safe to say he was excited. He couldn’t wait to see more from the woman who had struck him so deeply that night; he couldn’t wait to see what else she could do. 

As time went on after serving together, they started talking, and he was thrilled to be a confidante to her, even if it was only about his opinions on the crew and on the missions. Gradually, things started to change. He began to open up to her about his life: his time at Brain camp, the trouble he had with his biotics, and about Rana. He talked to her about everything; he let her in. And he loved her. They had the most incredible night together on Ilos, and he had been so sure that she loved him back. 

Then she died, and his world came to a grinding halt. After she was gone, he didn’t know what to do. The woman he loved and respected, who he relied on was suddenly gone, and he didn’t know how to pick up the pieces and keep going. But he did eventually, even attempting to date again. He was finally piecing his life back together. 

All of a sudden she was back in full force, storming onto Horizon with Garrus and some Cerberus woman, shooting down every one of the Collectors that got in their way. He hated her at that moment for it. She didn’t seem any different, whereas he felt he had changed so much. Two years he thought she was dead and gone, and now here she was on this god forsaken planet, acting as if not a day had passed. She even spoke to him in the same tone as she used to, expecting that he would just pick it up where they left off. So he got angry instead of allowing himself to feel for and listen to the woman he thought had betrayed him by disappearing for two years. 

“In hindsight” Kaiden mused, “It probably wasn’t the best course of action to take”. He blamed her for his heartache, thinking she had just dropped off the grid, and never bothered to contact him. How was he to ever suspect that she had actually died? He shouldn’t have gotten as angry at her about the fact that she was working for Cerberus. Cerberus is a terrorist organization, and he himself would have never have worked for them. They were a human splinter cell, and he was an Alliance soldier, loyal to his cause through and through. But he could now understand why Shepard had to join up. She had a mission to do, and that mission did turn out to be vital to the human race, but again, he just wasn’t aware of it. At the time, his reactions had seemed rather logical. He didn’t know all the particular details surrounding Shepard’s reappearance, and looking back, he supposed that he should have been a little calmer, and more willing to listen. But the past is in the past. He had sent her that extranet letter afterwards, explaining why he said what he said, and he hoped that she had understood why he wasn’t able to join her. There was that side note about the doctor in there though. That probably didn’t help matters…

Then there was Mars. And the coup on the Citadel. They had really not his brightest moments. Her connections to Cerberus were still fresh in his mind at the time, and there just hadn’t been time to talk to her and get her story on what had happened. Hell, there had been a war going on! They were living in confusing times, and he felt that he had to question her, and make sure she wasn’t still working for them. And he did trust her. He trusted her enough to listen to her during the attack on the Citadel, and she was able to stop Udina. That had to count for something!

Even after all that, through Horizon, and Mars, and the Citadel, she had accepted him back onto the Normandy. He had even gone to ask her right after the attack, just after he had proven that he trusted her, and she had let him back on! Kaidan really thought it was because she had wanted to give their relationship another chance. Why else would she have wanted him there? She had even been down to see him a few times, just like she did on the old Normandy, and they talked about the missions again, like old times. He really thought they were just getting back into the swing of things, and starting fresh. 

He hadn’t seen any evidence of her being in another relationship. Garrus was on board, and had been pretty much been since the war started, but he hadn’t seen any unusual behavior from them. She had always been close with Garrus; on the old Normandy she could quite often be found down in the cargo hold sitting by the Mako talking to Garrus while he attempted to fix the latest damage sustained by the poor vehicle. It didn’t surprise Kaidan that they seemed to spend a lot of time together on this Normandy as well. There had been rumors of course, from various crew members, but he had dismissed them as such: just ship gossip.  
“Maybe she doesn’t want anything at this point,” Kaidan began hopefully thinking, now nursing another beer. “Maybe she’s just so focused on the war, she doesn’t want any distractions. Maybe once this damn war is over, I can get her back.”

Feeling a little mollified at his situation, Kaidan finished off his beer, and began walking out of the lounge when he heard two people get off the elevator. Before he had time to step into view, he heard someone being thrust again the elevator door, and then soft moaning. 

With curiosity building, Kaidan backed up a little, and pressed himself against the women’s washroom door, and listened harder to hear who was making the sounds. 

“If it’s Ken and Gabby, Joker definitely owes me those credits” thought Kaidan. But when the woman started speaking, his gut clenched tightly.

“Garrus”, Shepard said quietly, “You sure you want to do this? I know we only just made this official…”

“I’m positive” Garrus replied tenderly, “You know how I feel about our chances in this war. We don’t know when things could just end, and I want to spend as much time as I can with the person I love.”

“Good” Shepard said, with a smile in her voice, “I was hoping you’d say that. Let’s get your stuff, and move it up to where it belongs.”

Kaidan then heard the two of them walk into the Main Battery, then emerge a few minutes later, and head back into the elevator.  
After they left, Kaidan leaned back against the wall, clenching his jaw tightly with his fists balled up. He quickly turned around and headed back into the lounge, intent on drowning his sorrows away.


	2. Shepard

As Shepard slowly lowered herself onto the bench by Nos Astra Sporting Goods, she couldn’t help but feel just a little sick to her stomach. She was still in shock over the conversation she had just had with Kaidan. 

“What a god damn mess” she thought numbly to herself. She really couldn’t believe what had come out of his mouth. When he had emailed her a few days earlier, she just assumed it was for a get together between friends, to take a breather in the middle of all the chaos. Other crew members had asked for some one-on-one time with her, like Samantha and the chess game, or James asking for advice. She had just assumed it was the same thing with Kaidan, but she had really misjudged that situation. 

She had agreed to meet up with him for lunch at Apollo’s café, and when she got there he had already grabbed a table and was sitting down. When she sat down to join him, he immediately started talking her ear off. He started going on about the menu, then about his time growing up as a kid in Vancouver, and then jumped to his opinion on their chances in the war. She had barely gotten a word in edgewise when he suddenly sprung on her the idea of getting back together. He had told her that he loved her and he always had, and he wanted to understand what was going on between them and make it “real.” Shepard didn’t really understand what he meant by that, but it didn’t really matter at the time. She was just in shock that he still felt that way. After his revelation, she had tried to let him down gently, saying that there was a lot going on in their lives, and it was best if they just remain friends. He had obviously been very disappointed; his shoulders slumped down, and he turned his head away from her. But she really couldn’t understand how he could be taking things so hard. She honestly did not believe she had given him a reason, any reason, to believe that things could work out between them. 

It is true that at one point, back on the old Normandy, she really did think she loved him. The two of them had got to talking after the missions were over. First it about the crew, then about their lives and they grew closer and closer as time went on. Close enough to let him sleep with her anyways. She didn’t usually fraternize with crewmembers as she was usually so focused on the mission that she didn’t even get around to having feelings like that. And if those feelings ever did emerge, she would usually try hard to push them aside, and make sure things didn’t get to personal. But there had just been something about him, and she had found herself caring about him, more than she cared about anyone before. 

Looking back though, she knew she didn’t really love him, not in the same way she loved Garrus. That fact had become painfully obvious after she met up with him on Horizon. She got that it must have been a shock to see her after two years, especially when he thought she was dead. But he had said he heard rumors from the Alliance that she was back, so it wasn’t as if her reappearance had been completely unexpected. She felt his reaction was completely uncalled for. Kaidan said at lunch that he loved her, and he always had, but if he loved her so much, how could he have been so cruel that day? What kind of man tells the woman he supposedly loves that she’s a traitor? To top off the accusations, he also made the situation all about him and didn’t even give her a chance to explain why she had contacted him, and why she was with Cerberus. He never gave her the chance to explain things from her side. Instead he got mad and accusatory, and then up and left. He just threw out blame and then ran off he could see the consequences it had. 

And there had been consequences. That day made her think about her relationship with Kaidan, and whether or not it was worth hanging onto. She decided that it wasn’t. After getting back from that mission, she had gone up to her room and sat there for a couple hours trying to sort out what had happened between them. It was while sitting on the floor attempting to meditate while watching her fish swim lazily by that she realized what was wrong. It was that she wasn’t an individual to him exactly; To Kaidan, she was an ideal to be held up on a pedestal. When she fell off that pedestal by working for Cerberus, he turned his back on her. He wasn’t interested in the reasons for it, all he knew is that the image that he held of her no longer matched up to the real thing, and he wasn’t prepared to deal with that. So he walked away, and since he walked, he gave up the spot in her life that he had once held. When his letter came over the extranet a few days after Horizon, it confirmed what she had already been thinking. Even after having time to cool down and think things through, Kaidan still wasn’t able to see things from any other view point than his own. He didn’t ask any questions, not even if she was okay, he just talked about himself and his own feelings. That’s really when she realized he didn’t know her, and they did not belong together. 

He knew the basics of her life: where she grew up, and assignments she had been on. He knew the information that one would find in her service record. He knew Commander Shepard the soldier, but he didn’t know the woman behind that. He didn’t know that her favorite type of food is tiramisu. It was the first cake she had ever tried as a child, and she had only gotten to try it because she had stolen it to give to a friend for her birthday. He didn’t know her favorite color was dark green, because it reminded her of the forests that she had only seen in books as a child. He also didn’t know that her favorite smells were spearmint toothpaste and gun polish. He wasn’t aware that she liked to collect model ships, and had loved to collect them ever since her time on the streets when she had found a half broken model of an Alliance dreadnought in the trash and had searched for hours to try and find any makeshift pieces that might help her fix it up. When she finally found some in a nearby dumpster, she took it back to the room she had made for herself squatting in an abandoned building in the old warehouse district, and proceeded to build it in the following days. That model was one of the things that made her want to join the Alliance. Building it was one of the first distractions she had from her life on the street. She remembered how it made her want to get on a real ship and get the hell out of that city. When she enlisted, she managed to keep the model with her, and she kept it with her right up to the destruction of the first Normandy. He had never heard that story, because he never seemed interested in knowing those little details.

These were little things that made her who she was, but he didn’t even know some of the most major things. While he was going on about growing up in Vancouver, he did so having no idea that she grew up in Vancouver too, just in a very different area than he was part of. She lived in the slums at the core of the city, born and raised within kilometers of him, and he never had any idea. He didn’t know that she ran in a gang called the Tenth Street Reds, stealing, assaulting, and extorting for years. She had a feeling that if he did know, he wouldn’t look at her the same way. It would tarnish that image of her that he held on to so tightly in his head. 

Even after the Reaper war started, and the team had encountered Cerberus on Mars, he showed that he still didn’t trust her, constantly calling into question her actions and alliances. Hell, he had even compared her to a husk! At that point, she didn’t have feelings for him because she had moved on, but it still cut her deeply. She couldn’t stand being compared to something that mechanical and evil, considering how much of herself was cybernetic and her own questionable resurrection. She couldn’t understand what made him say those things back then, as she had proven that working with Cerberus had been a necessary evil. She had destroyed the Collector base, and then turned herself over to the Alliance. She had never hurt the Alliance directly, and yet Kaidan acted like she was some huge traitor. And he kept acting that way right up to the coup, when he finally seemed to realize that she wasn’t working for another team, and she was in fact on his side. 

That’s why she took him back onto the ship. He finally seemed to trust her again, and she needed the best soldiers on her ship. She was going into the heart of battle and needed people who could excel. Kaidan had proven that he could on the original Normandy, and with a few more years of experience under his belt now, Shepard knew he would be a valuable asset. 

But she didn’t take him back so they could restart their relationship. No. She had someone else now, someone who cared about her and understood her. Garrus knew her, down to the deepest, most base levels. He knew that she had an urge to save everybody, and he knew how upset she would get when that outcome just wasn’t possible. He knew her flaws and her secrets. When she told him about her life on Earth, he simply said that everyone had done things they weren’t proud of, and he was the perfect example of that. He knew that she had horrible nightmares about Akuze and about dying, and if she ever messaged him over her omnitool about it after an episode, he would usually appear a few minutes later with a mug of tea and a shoulder to lean on to help her calm down. Kaidan didn’t know about any of this because he never asked and he never would know because she had moved on. 

Shepard stretched herself out after mulling over everything, becoming aware that she had been sitting at the bench for quite some time. As she checked the time on her omnitool, a smile started to spread across her face. She realized it was almost time to meet up with Garrus. He too had sent her a message asked her if she wanted to spend some time together, and for this date, she was excited. Her thoughts about Kaidan dropped from her mind as she got up, and started walking towards the elevator, intent on keeping her date with her favorite Turian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy!


	3. Garrus

It was the middle of the night cycle, but Garrus was still wide awake. He hadn’t been able to sleep but for once it wasn’t because of worry or anxiety about the war or his family. It was because, for the first time in an incredibly long time, he was utterly content. He was lying in Shepard’s bed with her curled up beside him, pressed up against his front while his arm was tucked around her, holding her close. 

“Well” he smirked”, “I suppose technically it wasn’t just Shepard’s bed anymore.” She had asked him to move into her room earlier that day, after their date. He really wasn’t expecting that one. Like he had said to Shepard earlier, the vids he watched only explained what would happen up to sex; after that, he felt like he was flying blind. Spirits, he didn’t care though. He wouldn’t have given a moment of it up. 

It really had been the most amazing of days. After he had sent a message to her asking her to meet up with him on the Citadel, he had started to stress out. He had wanted to take her out for a while, and once he had actually done it, he had no idea where to take her, or what to plan. He wanted it to be something memorable, something she would enjoy. He had thought about taking them out for a fancy dinner at one of those expensive, upscale restaurants by the Citadel tower, but that just seemed… off to him. It’s not that he wouldn’t like to take her out some place nice, because he did want to. He just knew she was under so much pressure with the war, with having to play diplomat and peacekeeper, being sent off to stop Cerberus attacks, and generally being under constant threat and fire. He wanted to do something fun with her, something that would help her relax. 

He had sat in the Main Battery for hours, mulling over his favorite places on the Citadel when it hit him. He could combine three things into the perfect date: scenic views, a picnic meal, and guns. 

It turned out to be one of his best ideas. He took her up to the top of the presidium, an area he had always wanted to go when he worked there, but never did. There had been too many regulations telling him he couldn’t. He didn’t give a damn anymore though. The Reapers were invading and waging war on all organic life. If he wanted to fly a transport up to the presidium with his mate for a date, no one was going to stop him. And Shepard had thoroughly enjoyed herself, he was sure of that. He had taken her into his arms, and asked the question that had been on his mind for so long: “would you be a one Turian kind of woman?” He had been worried after he came back on the Normandy that she wouldn’t want to get back together. He had missed her so much when she was incarcerated, and he hadn’t wanted things between them to end. She had seemed interested though: the reunion kiss, visiting him down at the refugee camp, and coming to talk to him all the time on the ship. When he asked her that question, he wasn’t expecting the answer she gave him. She said she loved him, and that the only thing that made leaving her homeworld bearable was the thought of seeing him again. He was thrilled; she loved him the same way he loved her, and he was never letting her go. He kissed her deeply and after that he brought out the big guns- literally. 

He figured that she would enjoy shooting at something that wasn’t trying to kill her for once, and he had always wanted to figure out who was the better shot. Apparently he was, much to his surprise, and he had to say that was one damn proud moment for him. She had taken her loss very well, and leaned against him as they looked out over the Presidium. 

He was glad Shepard had a good time. When they walked back to the Normandy, she had seemed so relaxed and happy, and that’s what he wanted for her. He wanted to do something for her, because she had done so much for him. Like the business with Saleon back on the old Normandy, and Sidonis on the Citadel. Not only had she made time to go and look into both of those issues, but when they had been found, she had encouraged him to turn spare their lives instead of killing them. He remembered being so angry with her, but over time she really had changed his perspective on things. She had always tried not to resort to violence, and would rather talk than shoot through situations. When he first served under her, he had thought it was a weakness in her character, but she showed him that it wasn’t weakness, it was a tactical strategy. In the case of Dr. Saleon, he had been horrified at the suggestions that Saleon would be allowed live, and (in Garrus’ mind) get away with his crime, and he had let her know that. She frankly responded that if they let Saleon live and turn him into the military, they would be able to figure out how far his experiments went and how he was able to perform them. He had been a little embarrassed after that; he really hadn’t thought about things from that perspective before. He always got so caught up in dishing out justice that he would just ignore the benefits of keeping people like that alive. 

The same thing happened with Sidonis. He was prepared to kill him in cold blood with a calculated bullet through the skull. But she had stood in the way of his shot, and talked to Sidonis. It came out that Sidonis wasn’t the man Garrus thought he was. Not even close. He was a broken shell, one that was haunted by the memories of the people he had killed on Omega. Their deaths weighed heavily on his conscience. It was more justice to let Sidonis live with those memories than grant him peace from them. Shepard helped Garrus to see that. She helped him to see shades of gray in the situations he desperately wanted only to see in black and white. 

She didn’t just help him with his grudges and views as a commander; she had also become his best friend. He had fond memories of her coming down to the cargo bay on the SR1 where she would sit tucked against the Mako and talk to him. At first she just asked (a little extensively in his opinion) about Turian culture and customs, but after she helped with Saleon, their relationship grew into something deeper. He began to ask her questions about herself and he was surprised how open she was with him. He had never heard much of Shepard’s past besides the basics, and he had never heard her volunteer any personal information. It wasn’t much later that he would realize the reason he hadn’t heard anything personal was because no one would ever ask her about herself. They were always interested in asking her to assist them with something, or talk to her about their problems, but they never cared about hers. So when he asked her about her life, she opened up to him. He learned about her life growing up in the slums of a city called Vancouver on Earth, and she told him stories about her times in the Alliance and N7 programs. As he learned more about her, she learned more about him. 

He told her about growing up on Palaven with his mother and his sister. The Vakarian family name was a well respected name, and his family had, before the Reapers hit, a large family estate with a large house and sprawling grounds. He spent countless hours on those grounds with his sister Solana, running and playing with the pet Varren his mother had brought for the two of them when they were young. He had also told her about his strained relationship with his father. His father was a model Turian who followed orders and played things by the book. It was why he thought his dad made a great C-Sec officer; he could put up with red tape because, to him, it was just part of the system, and that system was in place for a reason. Garrus wasn’t like that. He had always hated red tape, and would always question orders. It was a sore point in their relationship and had created a lot of tension. So much so, that he rarely talked to his father or spent much time in his presence after joining the military at age fifteen. Shepard was the one who suggested that maybe his father wasn’t as cold as Garrus thought. That instead he just wanted the best for his son and was showing Garrus he cared in his own way. She opened him up to perspectives that he just couldn’t see himself, and in this case, it had influenced him to go back to Palaven and talk to his dad about the upcoming invasion. It not only helped to prepare the Turian people, but also started to repair the damage between father and son

She really was the perfect mate. She made him a better Turian, and he was lucky to be the one who held her love. That was one of the reasons he couldn’t stand Alenko. He had Shepard, he blew it, and now he was trying to weasel his way back into her life. Shepard had told Garrus that night about her “date” with Alenko, and what he had said to her. Garrus had probably over-reacted just a little. He may even threatened to go to the Starboard Observation Deck and commit grievous bodily harm), but Shepard had talked him down and they had proceeded onto... more enjoyable activities. 

As Garrus lay next to Shepard, holding her close while she looked so vulnerable and content, he couldn’t help but be angry at Alenko for hurting her. He remembered how she looked after Horizon: that broken look in her eye, the way her jaw clenched as if she was trying to hold back tears. She had also told him about what Kaidan said to her on Mars. How he kept calling into question her alliances and even compared her to a damn husk! That human didn’t know anything. He wasn’t there when Shepard came back, and he sure as hell didn’t know anything about her now. She had never confided in Kaidan the way she confided in him, and Garrus knew that. He knew that Kaidan didn’t really know much about her, despite Kaidan’s belief that he did. Kaidan didn’t know where she grew up, and he had never seen the far away, haunted look she got in her eyes when talking about her time growing up as a child. Kaidan had betrayed her, turned his back on her, and now said that he had “always loved her”. If that was the way that most humans loved, Garrus felt sorry for them. Love meant staying by your mate’s side, no matter the consequences, but Kaidan didn’t do that, and he never had. He left Shepard when things got hard, and now he wanted to return now that she was back with the Alliance and had proven herself to him. Kaidan didn’t deserve her, and he had lost his chance. She was Garrus’, he was hers, and he planned on staying by her side until the very end. 

“And I really hope,” Garrus thought quietly to himself, “that the end won’t come for awhile”. With that, he pulled the sleeping Shepard closer to him, rested his head against hers, and tried to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up soon!


	4. Priority Earth

It was hell. Absolute hell. Garrus had thought things had been bad before, looking back to the battle on the Citadel against Sovereign, fighting through the Collector base, and the battles on Tuchanka, Rannoch, and Palaven. But this… this was horrific. There were bodies flung everywhere, buildings in ruin and rubble as far as the eye could see. There were waves of Husks, Banshees, Cannibals and Marauders swarming every few minutes with no end in sight. They were so close though, so close to that damn beam. 

He really did think there was a chance they could pull it off, though. Things were looking pretty bad, but this was Shepard. He knew that she would try her damndest to make sure things were finished here, one way or another. 

He saw Shepard start to run across the wasteland, trying to stay near the front of the wave of vehicles and soldiers. He started to sprint, not wanting to let her get too far ahead. He needed to be near her, at her six, making sure nothing got in her way. 

The beam came out of nowhere, striking the truck that was just ahead of Shepard. It flew through the air and crashed right where Shepard was just seconds before. His heart stopped as he sprinted even harder to catch up. Then he saw her stand. She must have dove beneath the truck as it flipped.

“That’s my girl” thought Garrus. His relief was short lived though; the sky went dark and when he looked up, a tank was hurling towards him. 

******************************

Kaidan could not believe just how shattered his planet was. He had been in bad fights before where the devastation was high, but this… this had no equal. All of the buildings and monuments he had learned about and had seen growing up were gone or decimated by the Reapers. It made him feel so helpless. How could they possibly rebuild what had been destroyed? How long would it take? Would they even get that chance, or were things about to end for them entirely? These negative thoughts just kept swirling around his head and he couldn’t help it. He had told Shepard he didn’t think their chances were good. She seemed to understand his feelings, and he wondered if she was thinking along the same lines. He was jolted from his thoughts by Shepard calling for him and Garrus. They were going to make the final push towards the beam. 

They all took off in a sprint with the tanks forming a line and the soldiers running between them. Shepard pushed to stay at the front of the formation. Not that that was surprising; she wanted to be up running the show. She was quite a ways ahead of the two of them when Kaidan looked towards the sky, and he found he couldn’t breathe. The Reaper had sent down its laser, and it was heading right for her. 

The ground shook like mad and Kaidan stumbled, attempting to get his footing. He looked around in fear, hoping to get a glimpse of Shepard. There was a tank where she had been standing just a few seconds earlier.

“What if she didn’t make it,” he thought, panic already starting to bloom in his chest, “what the hell are we going to do?”

When he looked up again, his felt himself relax just a little. There she was, standing tall and looking back towards him and Garrus, making sure they were okay. That was so like her. Even after almost getting killed herself, she was always looking out for her squad. 

He saw a look cross her face. It was a look of panic, and in a split second he realized what there was as above him. Kaidan’s eyes locked with a truck spinning through the air towards them.

******************************

The sky went dark and when Garrus looked up, a tank was hurling towards him. He threw himself backwards, just as the vehicle landed a few yards away and went up in flames.   
God, he had paid for it though. His leg was broken for sure, and his amour was pierced in so many places that he had no idea just how bad he was hurt. As he was struggling to get up, he looked and saw Shepard launch herself over the truck and run over to see how Kaidan was fairing. She seemed satisfied that he could walk on his own and she quickly moved to Garrus. She could see how much he was struggling to get up, and quickly slung his arm around her neck and half dragged him to cover. As Garrus lowered his head trying to catch his breath, he heard Shepard speak into her comm, and his blood ran cold. 

“Normandy, do you copy? I need an evac right now!”

******************************

Kaidan’s eyes locked with a truck spinning through the air towards them. His training took over, and he jumped as far as he could to the side without even thinking. After mentally registering that he was still alive, he pulled himself into a sitting position as quickly as he could, trying to feel if he was injured. 

He heard the ground crunch, and as he looked up, Shepard was standing over him, asking if he was okay. He nodded his head, and she was gone, running to Garrus. As the two of them got up, he noticed that Garrus was leaning heavily on Shepard, and as they all ran for cover, that he wasn’t able to walk properly. 

Kaidan had no idea what they were going to do now. Their task force was decimated, and now Garrus was injured and unable to walk. How were they going to get to the beam?  
Shepard’s voice pulled him from his thoughts. She was calling the Normandy for an evac. 

“How are we going to get on the Citadel if we leave” Kaidan thought. He had no idea what Shepard had planned, but he had a feeling that he wasn’t going to like it. When the Normandy touched down, the three of them ran as fast as possible to the ship. They started up the ramp, and he heard Shepard behind him. 

“Kaidan, here” she said, and she passed Garrus to him, transferring Garrus’ weight to him. 

That’s when she turned to Garrus to speak with him, and it was as if Kaidan ceased to exist…

******************************

“Normandy, do you copy? I need an evac right now!” Shepard yelled. Garrus couldn’t believe it; they couldn’t leave now. They had been so close to the beam! But they were overwhelmed. That Reaper was doing a damn good job at making sure nothing was getting through. He supposed that it was best to get out of there, out of Reaper fire, while they still could, and come up with another strategy. 

The Normandy managed to set down and Shepard hauled him up. They jogged over to the open hatch. A few soldiers came out to cover their entrance. Kaidan was the first one on the ramp, and Garrus felt a shift in her weight as she asked Kaidan to take him. As Garrus leaned on Kaidan for support, she started talking and the ice in his veins grew even colder. 

“You gotta get out of here” she said calmly. 

“And you have got to be kidding me” Garrus said, his inner cool snapping. He was not about to leave her in this hell by herself. She needed someone—needed him— to make sure she made it out alive. She couldn’t do it alone. He wouldn’t let her do it alone. 

“Don’t argue Garrus” she said in her Commander tone, though he could see the pain in her eyes.

“We’re in this ‘til the end” he replied passionately. And he was. There was no Shepard without Vakarian. She had said that, and meant to follow it.   
“No matter what happens here, I love you. I always will”

******************************

“I love you. I always will” said Shepard passionately, as she reached out to touch that Turian’s face, and Kaidan just couldn’t stand it. This was probably one of the last times he would see that beautiful face, or hear that incredible voice, and it wasn’t directed at him. No, he might as well have been invisible to her. She only had eyes for the alien that was leaning against him, the one who took the love of his life away from him. And it broke his heart. 

“If only” he thought, “if only things had been different.” Maybe it could have been him that Shepard was turning to, saying her final goodbyes to. But it wasn’t. It was his own fault, but it still made his gut wrench. And now, he might never see her again.

******************************

It took a minute for what she said to really sink into Garrus’ mind. A flurry of images ran across his eyes: seeing her on the Citadel for the first time, practicing sniping with her during missions, exploring countless worlds together in the Mako, playing cards with her and James and losing spectacularly, realizing she was alive while fighting for his life on Omega, finding out she was alive on Menae, realizing his feelings for her went so much deeper than friendship, making love to her for the first time, asking her to be his mate... 

“I…love you too” he said with a pause, reaching out towards her to touch her again, with the thoughts in his head overwhelming him. He loved her, loved her so much, and he was letting her go. He realized it was something she had to do though, and despite his best wishes, she wasn’t about to get on the Normandy and regroup. He just knew he wasn’t in any condition to keep fighting. He could barely stand up. Shepard was going to finish this battle, once and for all, and he just prayed to the Spirits that they would bring her back to him. 

“Go” she yelled, bringing Garrus back to his senses. He stared into those eyes, those amazing eyes for a few seconds more, and then she turned away and ran off towards the beam. As soon as she left, the Normandy began to lift off and Kaidan and Garrus began their ascent. 

******************************

As the ship rose, Garrus and Kaidan both twisted their heads around at the same time catching one last glimpse of the woman they both loved. She was sprinting like mad into the cross-fire, desperately trying to reach the beam, and they were both desperately hoping that they would see her again. The ramp deck closed shut and Normandy started toward the upper atmosphere.


	5. Normandy

As Kaidan made his way into the Normandy’s cargo bay, he felt numb all the way to his core. He just couldn’t get his head around all that had happened: the battle to get to the beam, the slaughter that left his planet devastated — and leaving Shepard behind. God, what a nightmare. He couldn’t believe that she had ordered them away. How exactly did she plan on starting the crucible by herself? Who knew what horrors were waiting on the Citadel? What if she couldn’t get the Crucible to fire?

As he and Garrus made their way across the empty bay, Kaidan was pulled out of his worried and harried thoughts by the incessant shifting of weight on his shoulder. Garrus had been leaning on him for support after he screwed up something in his leg during the battle, and now seemed to be trying to walk on his own. 

“Hey, would you just calm down” he said to his Turian companion as they stepped in the elevator. Garrus just kept on fidgeting, shifting his weight back and forth, rubbing his neck, flexing his arms. With everything that had gone on, it was driving Kaidan crazy. The last thing that he really wanted to deal with was Garrus.

“I can’t” Garrus snapped at him, “I need to get up to the bridge to see what the hell is going on”.

“Garrus, your injured. You can barely even walk on your own, you need to get to the med bay and see Chakwas.” The door to the crew deck opened as Garrus slammed Kaidan into the elevator wall, pinned him there, and stared down at him with those cold, piercing blue eyes.

“Don’t you dare try and tell me what to do. I am going to the bridge, so you can either get the fuck off this elevator or stay on, I don’t care. Just stop wasting my time.”

Kaidan felt his biotics flare as he shoved the Turian away from him. Garrus stumbled back onto his bad leg, and then rose up to stand at his full height. Kaidan felt his anger at everything that had gone on in the last few months rise to the surface at the sight of Garrus’ hostility.

“Yeah, cause you’re going to be so useful right now with that fucked up leg. You need to take care of yourself. There isn’t anything you can do to help the Commander right now. So why don’t you cool down, look after yourself, and if there is any word from her, I’ll get Joker to patch the transmission through to you.” 

Kaidan let his biotics cool down as he continued to stare at the Turian. Slowly, Garrus broke eye contact, and made his way out of the elevator, and proceeded towards the med bay. Kaidan let out a sigh of relief and pressed the button to close the doors. He was glad that Garrus had taken his advice, partially because he needed the medical attention, but mostly because Kaidan really didn’t want his company right now, especially in an enclosed area like the bridge. 

When Kaidan finally reached the CIC, he could sense the tension in the air. Every crew member he passed looked at him with darting eyes, wishing they could ask him what had happened down on Earth and what he had seen. He quickly walked past, ignoring their prying stares, and made his way towards Joker. 

“Any news?” he asked briskly to the pilot, hoping that something had come through about Shepard and her whereabouts. 

“Nothing to report.” said Joker without turning from his work.

“Well, I guess we just have to wait now and hope that we hear something.” replied Kaidan.

“Oh we will. This is Shepard we’re talking about, and she’s going to pull through just like she always does… and then drag us all through another suicide mission a few days later.”

“Yeah that sounds like Shepard.” mulled Kaidan, thinking of all the crazy stunts she’d pulled over the past few years. 

“Though honestly, I sometimes think the only reason she always comes back is for Garrus.” said Joker, slyly looking upward to the man standing behind him. Kaidan stretched taller and straighter where he stood, looking uncomfortable. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” snapped Kaidan.

“Well, you may not have noticed, considering you spent practically the entirety of your time on this ship locked up in Starboard Observation, but those two rely on each other. She honestly might not have made it through this war without him. He was the one who forced her to sleep when she had been running on stims for three days straight, and brought food to her cabin whenever she skipped meals. They need each other, and she’s going to fight like hell to see him again.”

Kaidan leaned back on his heels, and thought about what Joker had said. Maybe it really didn’t matter what he felt for her anymore. Their time was past, and not only had she moved on from the sound of it, but she needed that Turian in a way that she had never needed him. He thought it was weird that he hadn’t seen these interactions between Garrus and Shepard, but Joker was right to a degree. He rarely came out of that room on the crew deck, and he was oblivious, maybe in a subconsciously intentional way, to the way the two of them interacted. He hadn’t wanted to see it, because if he did, he would have seen that what he and Shepard had was gone. He sighed to himself. He just had to let her go. Shepard and Garrus would have each other when this damn war was over, and the best things Kaidan could do for her was step back and hope that she was happy. Now, she just needed to get back to the Normandy, and they could start to move on with their lives.

Kaidan snapped from his thoughts back to reality at the sound of a beeping coming from the pilot’s console in front of him.

“What’s that?” Kaidan asked hurriedly as Joker scrambled to press the button. 

“It’s an incoming comm signal.” Joker said, but when the signal cleared, all that could be heard was loud, shallow breathing.

“Shepard…Shepard is that you? What the hell is going on?!” yelled Joker as Kaidan leaned in to listen. 

“Joker, there isn’t much time.” said Shepard, and Kaidan’s stomach dropped like a stone at the words that came next. “I need you to put me through to Garrus.”

******************************  
Garrus could barely think straight the entire elevator ride up from the cargo bay. His heart was pounding rapidly and he could barely keep in anger contained. What Kaidan said in the elevator had helped, thought he still wanted to pummel the human for pushing him with his biotics. He knew that he needed to keep it together right now. It’s what Shepard would have wanted, and would have been counting on him to do.

He couldn’t just keep himself still though; he felt as if he might explode into a million pieces if he did. When he got to the med bay, instead of getting his leg fixed, knowing he would have to sit while the doctor poked and prodded him as she looked after his leg, he opted instead to apply some medi-gel to just numb the pain. Chakwas had tried to get him to sit down so she could examine him but he refused. He felt his chest rumble and began breathing heavily in a deepened growling purr. He hadn’t meant for it to happen, especially in front of Chakwas, but when Turian’s become worried for their loved ones, whether it be family or bondmate, it’s a reaction that is hard to suppress. He supposed it was rather like human tears in that way, something that could not be helped.

When Chakwas heard him make the sound, she looked startled for a second, but then seemed to realize the meaning behind it very quickly. 

“She’ll be back, Garrus. She always is. You just have to trust her.” Chakwas spoke with an authoritative voice. Garrus simply nodded back, and hobbled out of the room towards the main battery. He needed to do something to take his mind off of what had happened down on Earth, how she sent him away and threw herself right into the line of fire, running like mad towards that beam without him on her six… 

“No,” he told himself sharply as his mind wandered from his calibrations on the Thannix cannon again, “You can’t think like that. She’s going to be fine… she’s going to be fine… she’s going to be fine.” 

He repeated his mantra over and over again until a blinking on his visor interrupted him, letting him know that he had an incoming voice call. He accepted, assuming that it was from Kaidan or Joker updating him on the situation, but when the voice came through, his still pounding heart seemed to stop in his chest. 

“Garrus, is that you?”

She was alive. Shepard was alive.


	6. The Crucible

"Your time is at an end. You must decide."

Shepard stood clutching her side, pain ripping through her as the Catalyst's words rang hollow in her ears. Her mind was having trouble processing what had just occurred. When she had finally gotten to the beam back on Earth, she had expected to find… something other than this. Tech maybe. Some sort of missing piece to the Crucible puzzle… but not some ancient AI who was attempting to push her into a solution of its own making.

"Its options aren't good enough," the voice in her mind kept screaming at her. She wasn't about to control the Reapers. That's exactly what the Illusive man would have wanted, and there was no way she could fathom that as a solution. No being should be able to wield that kind of power. And the idea that synthetic and organic be synthesized together was ridiculous to her, something she really couldn't wrap her mind around. The AI was talking about totally reorganizing the genetic structure of every living creature in the galaxy, and she couldn't be sure what the consequences of such an action would be. She also knew in her gut that letting the Reapers live wasn't an option, not after all the destruction and pain they had brought throughout the galaxy. Had brought on her. But how could she destroy them? If she chose that path it would lead to the deaths of all synthetic life, and she was not willing to sacrifice an entire race of people. Not after the peace that had been forged between the Geth and the Quarians. There was a new era dawning between their cultures, not to mention the Geth and the larger galactic community. She wasn't about to destroy them. She just couldn't…

"No," Shepard cried out, as she struggled to stand and face the AI, "I'm going to end this war on my terms."

"Then you will die knowing that you failed to save everything that you fought for," the Catalyst said simply.

"I fight for freedom, mine and everyone's. I fight for the right to choose our own fate," she declared coldly while staring down the AI. "And if I die, I'll die knowing that I did everything I could to stop you. And I'll die free." An eerie silence and darkness fell over the room, the only light coming from the AI in front of her.

"So be it!" a deep, synthetic voice boomed from the Catalyst as it turned and walked away. As it did so, the lights of the AI faded into darkness, and Shepard was left completely alone.

As the lights went out, she struggled to maintain her bearings and stumbled towards the platform that brought her up to the Catalysts chamber and made her way back down to the comm system. As she moved forward, she tried desperately not to look out the windows at the battle that was raging above her, the battle that now had to be fought without the help of the crucible, the help that she failed to provide. Attempting to shake those thoughts from her head, she began to fiddle with the comms, and when she saw a signal was ready, she put through a hail to Hackett.

"Admiral. Admiral, do you copy?" Shepard spoke into the transmitter hoping to god that the signal strength was strong enough to carry.

"Shepard, I read you," said Hackett, though his voice was faint and garbled with static. "What is the status on the Crucible? Nothing is happening."

"Sir… the Crucible... It isn't going to work. It won't fire," Shepard said with great hesitation. This was the first time since this war started that she was truly terrified. She had been getting through the last few months on hope – hope that the crucible was going to be the galaxy's ace in the hole, and when it was working, it would save them from the Reapers. Suddenly, that hope was gone. The Crucible wasn't going to help them and the galaxies troops were utterly alone. Nothing else was coming to their aid.

"Good god." Hackett breathed slowly. A moment of silence passed between the two soldiers, each wrapped in their own thoughts. After the moment had passed, Shepard spoke up.

"Admiral, I need you to put me through to the Normandy."

The Admiral knew that he shouldn't put the transmission through. He knew that the priority needed to be to devise some kind of new strategy that would help the fleet, and that Shepard was one of the people whose input he needed the most. He was about to refuse her request, but he couldn't ignore the tone in her voice. There was a pleading that he had never heard before. Shepard was one of the best soldiers he had ever met, and never once had he heard her plead with anyone. He had heard her issue orders and give commands, issue threats to mercenaries and pirates, even talk softly to injured civilians and reassure anxious recruits. But he had never heard her plead.

"Give me a moment Shepard," Hackett wearily replied, "I'm patching your signal through."

"Thank you sir," Shepard said gently as she waited for the Normandy to receive the signal. She slowly sank to the ground in front of the console, next to Anderson's body. She was feeling dizzy from blood loss, and it was becoming more difficult to stay conscious. She knew that she wasn't going to be able to get out of this one, but she fought the blackness that was beginning to creep into the edges of her vision.

"Shepard…Shepard is that you? What the hell is going on?!" yelled Joker, his voice cracking over the static.

"Joker, there isn't much time. I need you to put me through to Garrus. I need to talk to him before it's too late . The Crucible isn't going to fire." There was a heavy silence on the other end of the line.

"Commander…" Joker said. His discouraged voice barely broke through the static. There was a quick pause and the line clicked on.

"Garrus, is that you?"

"Shepard, where are you? What the hell is happening over there?" Garrus said quickly, worry heavily lacing the flanging tones in his voice.

"Garrus, the Crucible isn't going to fire. I can't get into details right now, but it's just not going to work. I need…" Shepard took a breath in and shuddered as pain ripped through her body. "I need you to take command of the Normandy and get the rest of the fleet to regroup in another system. There are too many Reapers here, and without additional support, every ship is going to get torn apart."

"What about you?" Garrus said, trying to keep calm, "How exactly do you plan on getting out of the system?"

"Garrus… I don't think I'm going to be getting out of this one."

"That's bullshit!" Garrus cried sharply, "I'm getting you out of there. Get to an escape pod. Or a transport shuttle. The Normandy can pick you up if you…"

"Garrus," Shepard said softly, cutting across him. "I'm not making it out of this one. I want to… believe me, I want to, but there just isn't time. I need you to get the message to Hackett, and I need you to beat the Reapers… but to do that you need to get out of Sol and get to another system, and you need to do it now."

"No. There is no way I'm leaving you behind. You need to get out of there. The Normandy can dock and a rescue team can make their way to you."

"Garrus, no! There isn't enough time for that! You need to make sure the fleet survives and can keep fighting." She paused to collect herself before continuing. "I don't think I'm going to last long…I've lost a lot of blood. I don't think I could make it out, even if there was time."

"There has to be a way I can get to you." said Garrus desperately, "I can't just leave you behind."

"Garrus, you're not leaving me behind. I'm not going to make it, and you need to ensure that this war keeps going, and you need to win it." There was a long pause between the two, as both fought to keep their emotions in check.

"Shepard… I can't do this without you." Garrus' voice strained with emotion.

"You need to. Keep fighting for the both of us, ok?"

"Okay Shepard. I will." Shepard could hear the resignation in his voice, and she knew that he wasn't going to try to find her. She didn't want him to; she was counting on him to finish this war, once and for all.

"I love you Garrus. So damn much."

"I love you too Shepard."

"Now go," she said, fighting to keep her voice steady. "Go and win this war."

"I'll do my best," said Garrus.

"And remember Garrus… you'll never be alone."

"Never," Garrus whispered, and with that the comm signal faded and Shepard was left truly alone, looking out onto the battle that raged in front of her.

She sat back against the console and tried to ignore the pain she felt coursing through her body. As the black started creeping back into her vision again, she tried to fight it and focus on the ships in the skies over earth. As time slipped by, she soon noticed that, one by one, the allied ships were jumping away. Soon only Reapers were left in the system. She smiled to herself, proud that Garrus and Hackett had managed to get the rest of the ships to some semblance of safety. As she watched them leave the system, she prayed to whatever divine entity might exist that there would be a way to defeat the Reapers. That Garrus, Hackett and Liara, and whomever else, would be able to stop them and end it for good.

The darkness continued its threats to consume her. Shepard finally gave in and closed her eyes. An image of Garrus, looking happier and more carefree than he had ever looked in his life, came into her mind. He was with a small Turian child, no more than two years old, playing in the sand on a tropical beach. He looked up toward her from down by the water, the sun pressed warmly on his back, and gave a sweet, calming smile, beckoning for her to come join them.

The massive horn blare of a Reaper weapon snapped her back to reality and forced her eyes open, and the last thing Shepard ever saw was its bright red beam heading towards her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this story and thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> This is one my oldest fanfiction, not that I have written alot, and was my first real attempt at writing. Also, this is not going to have a happy ending, so if you are looking for something like that, this is not the story for you. Just be forwarned. Please let me know what you think!


End file.
